Thy Name is Diane

O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright!
It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night
Like a rich jewel in an Ethiope’s ear;
Beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear!
So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows,
As yonder lady o’er her fellows shows.
The measure done, I’ll watch her place of stand,
And, touching hers, make blessed my rude hand.
Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight!
For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night…

—William Shakespeare, Romeo & Juliet

Why are we threatened by beauty? I can remember seeing my dearest glance over at some passerby, and then doing a double-take because she was (admittedly) pretty smokin’ hot.  I remember seething inside, angry at him for noticing…angry at her for existing.  Ah, Youth, you are a fickle bitch, aren’t you? 

Several years later I can look back and see that jealousy is such a waste of energy.  Don’t misunderstand: I am no expert in matters of the heart! I just have a knack for noticing human behavior. Last I checked, I was mostly human…

I know a guy in his seventies. He’s been married to the same woman for over 35 years. To this day he is ‘not allowed’ to go to a particular store because some woman works there and his wife would absolutely pitch a bitch if he stepped foot inside that store. Jealous much? 

Ladies, I hope you know that all that energy you burn with jealousy could be put to all sorts of other uses.  Try admiring some of the pretty things; you are one of them, you know! There are many more beautiful creatures in this world, way more beautiful than me — am I okay with that..?  I better be REALLY okay with it or you’d be dealing with one bitter bitch of a writer right about now.

While I have my crushes (you might have read about those) onscreen, there are a few women in the world that I can admit: they have put stars into my eyes.

I grew up out in the country, y’all. Yes – I have a southern accent. I grew up in a tiny southern town, and what better show to watch back in the day was The Dukes of Hazzard.  As a child, I loved Catherine Bach.  I believe she might have coined the term to describe those tiny shorts known as Daisy Dukes. She was athletic and tan and I liked her because she had those bad-ass brothers, and anyone who watched this show liked at least one of them.

Having lived in aforementioned Tiny Southern Town, USA – we held on to the Eighties well into the Nineties, both musically and otherwise. I loved Cyndi Lauper as a teen.  She was ridiculously cute and she was the music behind The Goonies…naturally I had to love her. 

While I was crushing on Jareth, a.k.a. David Bowie in The Labyrinth – I was secretly jealous of Jennifer Connelly for having been offered a place beside him.

She was so beautiful, and still is today. 

I will tell you that I have overcome jealousy.  It took years! I remember my dearest mentioning his slight obsession with Halle Berry.  Oooohh…at that moment I was all, “Yeah I hate that bitch.”

Really? Why? Halle Berry is not going to show up on our doorstep and take my man.  Yes, she’s gorgeous. Lesson learned:  unless your guy is prone to accidents where he slips and falls into someone else’s bed, let him look and let him have his crushes. You have yours, so get over it.

It’s like watching one of my very favorite movies ever, Trading Places, and expecting him to turn his head when Jamie Lee Curtis flashes the camera for a moment.  C’mon. They’re just boobs.

Back to me, and my little obsessions. Two words, one of which I can’t pronounce: Milla Jovovich.

Actually I don’t know anything at all about her on a personal level, but once I saw her on The Fifth Element, I was so hooked that I get all happy whenever I see any movie she stars in. So beautiful…I just freakin’ like her!

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My favorite lady of the new millenium is someone with unabashed confidence and natural beauty, the inspiration for the title of this article.

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There is only one Baby Sister, and over the last several months, I’ve heard many a mouth profess devotion and love to her. She is Diane Foster, and she is breathtaking.

Early in the story that revolves around The Orphan Killer, I saw the little angel that was Baby Sister.  She was shielded by her older brother from seeing the carnage of the death of her parents. He saw enough to permanently fuck his whole world up, she heard only a bit of this and that and, being so much younger, those memories just drifted away I think.  How lucky to be Baby Sister…how fortunate her brother was there to protect her, keeping her quiet so that they both could live.

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Baby Sister grew up to be so incredibly gorgeous and leggy and…well, I suppose I could just go on and on about her, yes?

Why yes, I could.

I have such respect for Diane Foster. Heavens above! I can’t think of another female on this planet who can carry off such a modicum of decorum whether dressed in a sheer frock, or painted in rivers of blood. How can this be possible? I don’t know how she does it, I only know that she does.

The most amazing thing can happen: If you were to see a video clip of her, standing…the wind blowing her blonde locks about, her lips parted, eyes wide and gazing at you — you could accompany said video with the most soothing sounds of classical music dancing into your ears…and it would work.

Take the same video clip, and watch her watching you while the raunchiest and heaviest metal pounds into your skull…it would work.  She makes it work.  Baby Sister is a new driving force. I’m so honored to have heard the name “AnnThraxx” uttered from her sumptuous mouth.

Such sweetness…surely you won’t hold her violent actions against her. After all, for Baby Sister, she has no choice.  Her insidious reactions can no more be helped than the raging urges her murderous brother follows. Marcus will not take NO for an answer.

Ladies, remember – if your guy is looking, and his eyes aren’t falling out of his skull, there’s a good bet that he’s human. Let him look and let him be. 

Guys, that doesn’t mean you should drool. Have a little respect.

And so I end my humble ramblings with the words of a woman far wiser than me. Maybe she dreamed over a century ago, of the TOK creator dreaming of Audrey and Marcus…

I died for beauty, but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb,
When one who died for truth was lain
In an adjoining room.

He questioned softly why I failed?
“For beauty,” I replied.
“And I for truth, -the two are one;
We brethren are,” he said.

And so, as kinsmen met a night,
We talked between the rooms,
Until the moss had reached our lips,
And covered up our names.

                –Emily Dickinson, 1830-1886

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