Spoiler alert: This random collection of words contains phrases and thoughts which might not be considered appropriate reading for young children, and will likely offend those who are easily offended. I most certainly offended myself when writing it, so you might as well stop reading right now. Yeah. You there. Stop reading. Go on, now. Go have a cruller and sit your ass down somewhere.
How to Be a Dickhead
Before I start thinking too heavily on this topic, let’s make something clear, yes? If the word “dickhead” is offensive to you, it should be. The word actually has a definition; I looked it up, and you should, too. Simply go to Google and type in the words, “Define dickhead” and what you’ll see is this:
I would agree with this definition completely, except for the fact that the term can no longer be applied just to men. Plenty of women in the world know exactly how to be a dickhead.
Also, with regard to the term “dickhead” being offensive to anyone, I would like to suggest you read THIS at some point, because apparently everything in the world offends us, for a few seconds at least, and then we’re off and running for the next thing that will fill us with even more moral outrage.
So how DOES one become dickhead material? What separates the usual annoying worker bee from the excessive-dickhead personality? I don’t know if I can answer these questions for you. Part of the reason I doubt my ability to explain all of this is: my “You Can’t Say That” essays are merely times when I tend to let my brain wander and my fingers get reacquainted with the keyboard, so that I can hammer out some bit of poetry or some other kind of writing. I don’t really know how to write informative essays. I just ramble on until I get the uncomfortable notion that maybe I’ve said enough and that it’s probably time to slink off into the fading light.
But…I will try to explain it! I’ve met lots of people in the almost forty years I’ve roamed the world. Some were extremely kind, intelligent, awesome people. Others were complete dickheads. Here’s a small sample of the kinds of dickheads you could encounter during your travels through life:
The Antagonistic Dickhead: There is absolutely nothing wrong with competition. It’s a healthy part of our development. I am one of those people who will tell you immediately that, for the most part, I really suck at bowling. I LOVE BOWLING!! But I suck at it. I will try bowling until the end of time, and I will endeavor to suck less than those people I am fortunate enough to play alongside, but either way, I’m okay with knowing I’ll get stomped by the competition every single time.
I have a friend that loves nothing more than an intense game of hoops with one of his best friends, and to let either of them tell it, they are each better than the other. There are smiles all around when they chide each other, or when either of them tries to convince me of the validity of their expertise. I love this kind of interaction.
The Antagonistic Dickhead is actually two different kinds of dickhead. One kind happens when someone strolls into your life and decides that whatever you do, they can do better, faster, longer, with more flair and style, and for no other reason other than it makes them feel good to make you feel small. This is not competition; this is bullying and I have encountered people who enjoy this more than anything. A well-placed punch to the throat may remedy the problem but you could face jail time for administering this remedy. Sorry about that.
Don’t misunderstand! There is that other Antagonistic Dickhead. You know who I mean. That guy (or that woman, what the fuck ever, gender doesn’t matter at all if you’ve not noticed by now) who wants to pick, pick, pick…get you riled up, pissed off, and then strolls off in a cloud of innocence, or worse, points out how hot-headed you can be because you might have called them a cunt for their antagonistic behavior.
Try to know the signs of coming into contact with an Antagonistic Dickhead: if you get annoyed just by breathing the same air as them, if you feel your lips tighten and your nose snurl up a little when they start talking, these may be warning signs that you are in the presence of an Antagonistic Dickhead. Other more serious signs may include tightness of the chest and the desire to tell them to go fuck themselves.
The Gossip Dickhead: come on now – I know you chat with a particular friend of yours about everything you’ve ever heard. I KNOW you do — admit it. You can spill the beans to him or her without fear of reprisal or judgement because he or she does the very same thing for you. This is an awesome friendship! Cherish it! It’s okay to swap secrets with your bestie, and that’s why they’re your bestie! There’s an old saying, we’re only as sick as our secrets, and I tend to agree with this adage. The best way to let that mental binding loose is a verbal purge to your bestie, the one person who can handle your crazy ass telling them that you have the overwhelming urge to go without bathing for 3 weeks, dress like Scooby-Doo’s Shaggy and frequent a smoothie shop where your ex’s new main squeeze works. And you’re the only one that your bestie would dare tell that they’ve been dropping pennies into the tangled beehive that is the next door neighbor’s poofy hairstyle every time she has the misfortune of being in front of aforementioned bestie in line at the local grocer.
However, there is nothing but malice oozing from the pores of the Gossip Dickhead. The Gossip Dickhead will get on the phone with you and tell you everything they know about Henry, Sally, Sue, Martin, Jose, and the Jones’ next door. Not only will they call and tell you this, they’ll call Henry and tell him about Sally, Sue, Martin, Jose, and the Jones’ – AND about your business, too. The Gossip Dickhead will rotate through the whole slew of people until everyone knows everyone else’s business, and guess what? It’s usually all the negative shit poured equally into everyone’s teacup. The Gossip Dickhead will make you think that they really, really care – that they are really concerned about the goings-on of everyone they blab about, but the fact is, they really just want more fodder for their gossip gullet. Every time they talk to you, and you tell them any bit of information that they didn’t know before..? Yeah, you’ve pretty much given them more to talk about with the rest of the flock they frequent. Be aware that you get a turn on that dirty merry-go-round, too, y’hear?
The Know-it-All Dickhead, also known by many of us Gen-X’ers as the Brainy Smurf Dickhead, is exactly what it sounds like. If this type seems to overlap with the personalities of the other types of Dickheads already mentioned, it’s for good reason.
First off, the Know-it-All Dickhead doesn’t actually know it all. He or she may actually be exceptionally ignorant in many areas of conversation – but this will not stop the Know-it-All Dickhead from insisting on taking part in conversations they have no business venturing into! Heaven forbid the idea of shutting one’s mouth and allowing a conversation to happen without your input! Yes, this is possible but not feasible for the Know-it-All Dickhead.
Simply put, in order to feel important in every avenue of human interaction, the Know-it-all Dickhead will insert themselves into every possible conversation within a ten mile radius. You can either get used to it, or become an Officer Dickhead and tell the Know-it-All Dickhead to shut the fuck up. Your other option may be to walk away. I would recommend doing this as the Know-it-All Dickhead is speaking, for maximum effect. Just remember, your actions may automatically make you out to be some sort of dickhead.
While I can think of another dozen categories of dickhead, I can’t keep going. I have to stop writing now. Otherwise I’ll come off sounding like a Pretentious Dickhead and I’d really rather stay mired in my intrepidly Mouthy Dickhead status.
The truth is this: all the dickheads I’ve listed, alongside all the other kinds of dickheads in the world – they’re all incredibly helpful. It’s true! Every time I encounter a dickhead, it gives me a tremendous opportunity to learn how I don’t want to act, how I don’t want to treat people. Dickheads, it turns out, are learning tools.
Heh…I said tools.