Never let ’em see you sweat. Right..? That’s a motto many of us hold near and dear. While the naysayers and chronic complainers sound off on an hourly basis, there’s plenty of us seemingly filled to the brim with rainbows and butterflies and shit like that.
It’s not as though every day is a wonderful, sparkling, lovely day for me, I promise. I don’t skip merrily along, filled with tra-la-la and bells on my toes every day of the week. Even jesters have bad days.
Sat in a corner in a dank, dark room
all of yesterday afternoon
with a rusted letter opener
gouging out my vocal cords after screaming until hoarse
because no one could hear me, of course.
It didn’t matter and I didn’t mind because
the silence was kind of nice
after all that gouging and slicing.
Ripped open my chest like a slick red package
late last night
searching and cutting, looking for that beating slab of muscle
hiding beneath the gristle and bone
It didn’t happen, but I wasn’t surpised because
I had discovered
just how overused and underpaid the human heart can be
no matter the one inside you, or the one I couldn’t find in me
Climbed up out of my unconscious state
early this morning
hoping to find redemption somewhere
inside the sunrise
It didn’t happen but I didn’t mind because
I had unearthed a reason
for opening my eyes one more time
and it had nothing to do with heart or voice;