You Can’t Say That, Pt 7

Spoiler alert: This random collection of words contains phrases and thoughts which would not be considered appropriate reading for children, and will likely offend those who are easily offended. Just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean I have to watch what I say. So…just watch what I say. 🙂 

ChristmasAngry

2015 CHRISTMAS EDITION

Nocturnal Life, Narrow-mindedness, & Emotional Storms

Well then – here I go again. I remarked today in a conversation that I think I might give up writing. I’ve said that a couple of times in the last few months. I never seem to have the time or the energy to write. I doubt I’ll stop, and in fact I’m sitting here in front of my computer, tapping away. Give up writing…pfffft. Riiiiight.

It’s 3 a.m. at the time of this writing, and I’ve just finished playing Santa for the night. I’ve been up all night for good reason; my job has shifted to overnight hours and in order to stay sane, when I’m off work I still have to stay up all night. I’m not complaining, not really. Who needs daylight anyway?

This is a special edition of You Can’t Say That.  It’s Christmas morning. For many people, this is a difficult time of year. For some reason, bad shit happens around the holidays and we tend to focus on those things, and why not?  I’ve seen a dozen awful occurrences in the last week. A few days ago, a woman in Las Vegas drove her car up on the sidewalk and mowed down over 30 people, killing at least one, and her 3-year old daughter was in the car with her.  I don’t know why she did it, or if she even had a motive, or any other details. I was at work and happened to see it on the news in the break room.

badnews

How horrifying to walk away from the television, head back downstairs and tiredly think, “Yes, of course this happened. Bad shit is happening every day now.”

How awful to have that kind of thinking. Bad shit happens. Walk away. Wait for the next bad thing to happen. Repeat.

Damn.

Tonight as I was wrapping gifts, I got a message from a friend which sparked a long and not very pleasant conversation. I was tired. I’m always tired these days. It’s what I do, right now. It’s how I am.

I was not my usual soothing merry self. And this friend was speaking about how difficult a situation they were going through, and my reply was the equivalent of “…you reap what you sow…” which of course caused a kind of shit storm where my friend called me narrow-minded.

I was more pissed off about being called narrow-minded than the fact that none of the things I shared about my own situation were acknowledged.

See, folks, we all have shit we’re going through. I seldom share my trials and tribulations on social media, or even on this blog. I don’t have to because I vent to a select few and get it out as best I can. I’m also pretty damned good at being supportive when someone else wants to vent. But because I’d had it up to here with various and sundry things happening in my own day-to-day life, I was not nearly as supportive as I usually am, and in fact, I fell back on my own philosophy. You do reap what you sow.

For this I was called narrow-minded. Well, guess what? I’m not. I even asked Google for the definition just to make sure. So what the fuck ever.

narrowminded

Let’s face it: not everything that happens to you is your fault. Not every shitty situation you encounter is because of something you did or said or decided. But the truth is, every action has an effect, and every single decision you make has consequences, good or bad.  Its easy for me to understand this: I am exactly where I am in life because of a combination of the choices I’ve made (and the consequences of those choices) and the other random shit that has happened to me along the way.

I want to share a portion of something I read last night. It was written by author and editor, Ally Bishop, and I couldn’t agree more:

“My encouragement to you, if you find yourself in similar circumstances, is to make a choice for yourself. Choose to be sad and miserable, if that’s how you feel. Then embrace it and recognize that it’s legitimate and okay. Or choose not to be if you are able, and respect those who can’t do the same.

Whatever your situation, make the choice. It’s the power to change our lives that gives us peace, believe it or not. For this year, my decision is to spend Christmas Day as I will enjoy it best. Next year, I may do something else.

But that’s going to be my yearly holiday tradition that’s all my own. Each year, I will choose.

May you find peace in whatever life has dealt you. You are not alone in your frustration–know that, if nothing else. Many things are not fair, and quite honestly, I could give a {expletive implied} that life’s not fair. It aches with a power that’s impossible to describe when you don’t feel a sense of belonging or acceptance with those who are supposed to be family.”

The only way to best it, though, is to choose what is best for you as you are today, in this moment.”

Complete brilliance. I could read this every day and never tire of it. Maybe it’s one of those special keys to good living. Could it be..?

Either way, it made me feel so much better to read this after the insane month I’ve had. I’m on an emotional roller coaster that seems to be in a continuous loop.  One minute life sucks. The next, it’s slightly more bearable. Five minutes later, I’m listening to someone else tell me the hardships they deal with and my heart is breaking. Ten minutes after that, one of my munchkins slips over and whispers I love you into my ear and I want to smile and cry at the same time. A few hours after that, I’m driving (and terrified!) in a torrential downpour to work, in the dark, in a car that may or may not make it through the winter. Ten hours later, I’m a staggering zombie, shuffling back to aforementioned car and sitting behind the wheel, staring out into nothing for twenty minutes while I try to decipher which part of me hurts more.  Six hours later (five of those hours consisting of me snoring) I’m on the phone to a friend who is making me laugh uncontrollably.

You see the pattern? Up, down, way way down, back up, way way up, smile, frown…could it be that this is a kind of definition for life? After all, a heart monitor with no ups or downs simply reflects a dead heart.

heartMonitor

Whatever kinds of things you’re dealing with right now, I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to have emotions. It’s okay to feel hurt, to feel depressed, to be angry, annoyed, and pissed off. It’s also okay to be happy, to crack jokes, to hug your mom or your friends. It’s okay to be upset if the one person you’re supposed to be closest to is the one who sucks your soul dry. It’s okay to be afraid and work through the fear, and it’s especially okay to vent to whoever you vent to, and get all that bullshit out of your system so that you can keep moving forward.

It’s okay to be.

You’re not a potato. You’re a person.

You’re allowed to live, to love, to laugh, and to be the most you can be. Don’t feel guilty for that. You’re allowed to take care of yourself, and in fact I heard a reference to this somewhere recently – when you get on a plane and the flight attendant reads that long list of shit you’re supposed to be listening to, about where the exits are and etc., one of the things they say is that if the oxygen masks drop, you’re supposed to put the mask over your face before helping the person next to you.

Doesn’t that make sense? How can you help someone else, be there for someone else, do any fucking thing at all, if you aren’t first caring for yourself? That being said, you do you. Got it?

And one other thing: I’m so glad you aren’t a potato. Because I’d have you baked and covered in bacon, and then we couldn’t be friends, ever again.

Merry Christmas.

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ANNTHRAXXsept2014

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5 thoughts on “You Can’t Say That, Pt 7

  1. Always True Brilliance and educational.
    And for the record there is NO WAY you are THAT WORD! NOPE,
    I’ll drop kick anyone who thinks so with my shit-kickers.
    You are very much like me >>> Quintessentially True, we are rare and sometimes our realism smacks people into a wake up call of their own. they don’t like to admit when that happens cause it’s a scary thing but Shit just happens. I know this… You are one of my best and dear friends. So don’t you ever dare stop writing. I look forward to these installments because Life happens and so does Shit and everyone has to deal in their own way. But we also support each other as well. If someone can’t handle the truth it’s on them not you. not your cross to bare.

    Liked by 1 person

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